March 04, 2004

"How to Get that Ass" by Alan "Nova" Goldsher

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=1936&TrackingID=516165&BannerID=541888

Props to the smoking robot for the link. I got a hellacious chuckle out of it. But I also cried tears of laughter. I cried that tools like this guy actually get writing gigs to spout off bullshit. It read like an op-ed piece, but tried to pass itself off as some authoritative dissertation.

In the immortal words of [insert rapper name here]: "Nigga please."

I'll call him Nova from now. Nova, has it ever occured to you that maybe it's not about giving the wrong impression - that maybe some of those things you listed are integral gears in our machinery.

Who the hell do you think you are, Nova? You think it's wrong to talk about alcohol, keggers, and bling-bling? You just eliminated 95% of the dating pool for women. Congratulations, the human race will now die off thanks to your advice. Well, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Nova, you obviously run in a different circle than most of us low-brow working stiffs and peons out there. I wish I had the time to talk about my imaginary yacht or my phantom mansion or even my ethereal Concorde. But I should talk about what veggies I don't like?

That doesn't sound like stimulating, light-hearted conversation. But hey, that's MY opinion. I generally know what I like. And for some reason, you seem to think you know what all the ladies out there want. Analagously, not all girls are square pegs that men have to accomodate in their more often that not un-square receptor. Different pegs will go into different recepters.

Nova, your hubris astounds me. Unless of course, you know something we don't. I might as well just kill myself then. Spare myself the vacation I will be spending in the lonely hole in the side of the mountain that patiently waits for me. Because I have no chance of living up to the expectation of the square-peg woman you have described.

On a personal note, I think I may have violated all 10 of Nova's 10-star attack plan during my travails of meeting and befriending people. Except for the mother-in-law. I'd never talk about the mother-in-law. Unless she was hot!

(kidding)
.
.
(maybe)

My humor is more crude than witty, and I am sure that shines through and through in my interactions. I rely on profanity, bathroom humor, sexual innuendo, etc to lighten the mood. But if that person doesn't like talking about unimportant affairs like that, maybe we aren't compatible.

However, on the flipside, maybe. Just maybe. Maybe he's on the money. Maybe that's why he is (presumably) going out on all these dates and has the experience to back his shit up.

HAHA. Who am I kidding?

Posted by vsust at March 4, 2004 03:06 PM
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